A Modest (Internet) Proposal

Dear Reader,

As we all know internet speed and access has become a source of much enmity the past months as a number of our more wealth and worthy internet suppliers have been much burdened by supplying internet access to the whole of the populace, particularly those companies and corporations that have been egregiously taking up bandwidth in a gluttonous effort to communicate videos, news, email, opinion, information and general entertainment. Equally, a number of so-called "start-ups" in small buildings called "garages" and "basements" and "dorm rooms" have been horrifically trying to curb the profits of the suppliers to start even more of these gluttonous so called businesses.

As such, it has fallen upon our much exalted rulers to protect these much put-upon internet providers because they simply have no way of making the profits to which they are accustomed. I ask what could be more un-American than standing in the way of increasing profits for monopolies, dear Reader?

Far be it from I, a lowly user of bandwidth, to issue proclamations; however I have traveled extensively throughout the land and visited many web sites and even, off-line and in a physical manifestation, visited a number of our villages and towns and seen with mine own eyes the burden that these bandwidth gourmands have visited upon the land and our cherished internet providers.

So it is to these gourmands and to those who would say that access to communications should be like the air or water or radio or television, and to our visionary rulers; that I offer the following modest proposal:

We all are now aware, via recent scientific experiment, that the human body is capable of carrying electronic pulses and, wanted or not, is by its very existence a sort of conductor by means of which electricity can pass. And, this being the case, isn't it therefore theoretically possible that electronic messaging could be sent via means of the human body as well?

Additionally, we are aware that a frightfully good number of our citizens have become a burden to our state -- namely the elderly, the undereducated, those of lower income, those with pre-existing conditions, immigrants, the underemployed, the unemployed and recent college graduates.

In order to solve two burgeoning crises to our body politic, why shouldn't we use these burdens on the state and put them to good use? No, I am not talking about public works, nor some sort of universal system of support, dear Reader. Why should we not string them together into a sort of "chain" over which electronic communications could be sent, therefore supplying the internet providers with the additional bandwidth required without loss of profit and thereby also alleviating our burdens on the state treasury?

I'm not one to self congratulations, dear Reader, but this seems brilliant idea in the least, do you not agree?


I have tried, humbly, to offer this proposal to our overseers, but alas their website is down, probably because of these bandwidth hogs of which we speak. Some have said this is a result of our overseers having antiquated technology and is the reason for dis-function of their website. But, dear Reader, how can this be anything but lies and rumors spread by the aforementioned internet gourmands and "start-ups"?

And even if true, all the more reason to implement my modest proposal, I say, as this scheme can not only help our beleaguered internet providers but also help our rulers overcome their deficiencies in communication as well.

Rest assured, dear Reader, I shall keep up my efforts to submit my proposal and make the internet safe for a very few to continue to make profits.

As always, dear Reader, I am most sincerely yours.